Article by Euphresian Akinyi
INSIDE A DEPRESSED, SUICIDAL MIND
Imagine being somewhere dark, scared, and alone, unable to escape. You cry out for help but your voice gets muffled up and no one can hear you. A door opens and light comes in. This is your chance to escape. You head towards the light but it is a never-ending journey. No matter how much you try to reach the light, your efforts seem fruitless. You fight to get to the light; sweating and panting. You really want out. But Alas! You can’t get to the light.
This is the constant battle that a depressed mind seems to fight. It is a silent fight; with none to help. No one can see, no one can understand. No one can imagine how hard it is to fight a battle with yourself, within yourself. A battle that leaves you battered and bruised. A battle you fight in silence. Indeed, you become your own worst enemy.
But what if there is a way out? A way that offers to take away the pain, the hurt, the fear, and the battle? A way that not only entices but has you completely sold out? Can you guess what way that is?
D-E-A-T-H. That sure way is death. Yes, you heard me right! Death by any and all means available. Once the idea of death is on the table, somehow everything else around you somehow start to support that idea. Looking around you, you become so convinced that with you out of the picture, everyone else’s life will be much better and happier. That would be one less problem to worry about. Each passing day then becomes a constant battle to die. People’s words and actions push you further towards the edge; until finally, you start to think of a thousand ways to die and you start trying them out one by one!!!!!!!
When people hear about the suicide attempts, they ask, “What is wrong with you? “What were you thinking?”, “You have everything going well for you, why would you want to give that up?”, You are so young, what could possibly be troubling you? “Well, you are too late. So much has happened. I have been fighting all alone and am tired. This is the last thing I can do to at least win, just this once, just this once I don’t want to lose.
Let this fragile mind seek to give you a little peek inside of it. First of all, yes I am young and yes I have things others don’t. I may even seem lucky to you. But I am not. Those things you think I have, have lost their meaning. I am constantly put in a position where I have to pretend that I am ok when I am not. I have to fake a smile when am hurting, I have to be social when am feeling mentally exhausted and lethargic. I have to act like all is well. It is so tiring. So yes, death feels like liberation from all that!!!!!
Secondly, I am fighting against myself constantly. It is me against my thoughts, most of which I have no clue how to combat. I think until I can’t think anymore. I search for reasons to live but none is convincing enough. You do not see the battle inside my mind, so you cannot even fathom what it’s like. This is exhausting. So yes, death looks like an outing for me!!!
But what to do? Can I be helped?
I need someone to share this burden. It is just too much to bear alone. I need someone to allow me time and space and freedom to talk, express my innermost thoughts, the dark and grim suicidal thoughts. I need someone to listen without judgment, prejudices, or presuppositions. It may seem a lot to process or grasp but just listen. You may not understand any of it but just listen. You lending your ear will help me a whole lot.
Talking about suicidal thoughts is a way to combat them. It is like opening up your mind to someone else and giving them a tour of what is happening inside. Presence can be a life-saving act you do for someone with suicidal thoughts. It is the best gift for a wounded mind. It offers comfort and an assurance that you matter. Be present, cry with them. Be present, stay silent. Be present, offer them a shoulder to lean on, and maybe cry on. Spend time with them. Do things that will take the mind off itself. These small acts may not remove the pain and sorrow and loss, but they give a fighting chance to stay alive.
But the best gift of them all is the Gospel. The gospel takes the mind off itself and focuses it on the one who ultimately matters more than life itself; God. The gospel gives hope, brings healing, offers comfort, and gives life; life everlasting. It can transform a depressed suicidal mind into a mind made for worship. It springs up to life, faith, joy, contentment, and hope in God alone. The battle may be long, but there is victory for those in Christ Jesus. Amen.